Last Friday I walked into my local coffee shop to get my usual order: a matcha green tea. (I like to treat myself after a long work week.) Most of the baristas there know me (and my order by now), so I was expecting the same pleasant experience as always. But instead of receiving my typical order—when they called my name to hand me my drink—I could immediately tell something was not right.
The drink was light brown when it should’ve been green, hence matcha green tea. “Maybe it’s just the lighting,” I thought, trying to convince myself everything was fine. Reluctantly, I walked over to my table, sat down, and took a sip. “That’s definitely not a matcha green tea,” I mumbled.
Of course, I wrestled with the idea of whether I should tell the barista to correct it or not. But as I looked over toward the counter, I could see the line starting to get longer. For whatever reason, this was the busiest Friday on the damn planet. Mind you, this was at 7AM—I specifically get there early so I don’t run into traffic. This day was different, I guess.
Seconds later, a multitude of people approached the counter with the same issue. They also received the wrong order. I could see the sheer panic and anxiety starting to build from every barista. It appeared something was screwed up in their computer system.
So I asked myself a question: Do I really want to pile on more stress to these baristas who are clearly already having a bad day?
It got me thinking some more. This all came at a very interesting time. I just finished reading a book called Master of Change by Brad Stulberg, and in this book, Stulberg argues that the foundation of disappointment is when our expectations do not meet reality. Put simply, “happiness equals reality minus expectations," says Stulberg. This means your well-being depends on the gap between what you expected and what actually happens.
In this case, I expected a matcha green tea and received some sort of latte. Since my expectations did not convert to reality, that led to disappointment. But we can actually avoid this emotion altogether with a simple mindset change.
In order to avoid disappointment, we should let go of outcomes and expectations and instead just live with and accept reality.
So that's exactly what I did. I looked down at the latte in my hand, accepted it for what it was, and decided to drink it. Was it what I ordered? No. Was it still a perfectly good morning drink? Absolutely.
By letting go of my expectation of a matcha green tea, I eliminated the disappointment that came with receiving something different. More importantly, I avoided adding to the baristas' stress during an already chaotic morning. I realized that my small sacrifice of my usual order meant nothing compared to the anxiety they were experiencing.
There are a ton of other times in life where our expectations will not meet reality. You expect a friend to show up to your event, but they cancel at the last minute. You expect a new job to be exciting and fulfilling, but instead it's monotonous and draining. You expect a romantic relationship to be effortless, but it requires constant work and compromise. You expect to ace an exam after studying all night, but you still fail. You expect a vacation to be the most relaxing time of your life, but instead you're stressed about logistics and money. You expect to hit your fitness goals by summer, but life gets in the way and you fall short.
In every single one of these scenarios, the gap between what you thought would happen and what actually happened creates disappointment. Also in these situations lies a choice—that choice being: you can cling to your expectation and suffer, or you can accept reality and adapt.
I’m not saying that outcomes don’t matter. They do provide insight for metrics. What I am saying, however, is that we should detach ourselves from outcomes outside of our control. When outcomes matter less in our minds, we can learn to live with reality, and, more crucially, adapt to it.
We must find contentment more often. And, for me, I realized that, although I did not get a matcha green tea, the latte that they gave me wasn’t all that bad. I chose to accept and adapt to the reality and was content with what I got; therefore, I could not be disappointed.
When a “negative” outcome occurs, I encourage you to ask yourself, "In the grand scheme of things, how much does this really matter?" Often, the answer is "It doesn’t really matter.”
POV: Me when I get Chipotle.
Until next week,
—Wyatt
