Our sense of mattering is a fundamental aspect of happiness. As people, we must feel needed and supported. We must feel seen and heard. Without this, we’ll lose our sense of purpose and fall into a depressive state.
One of the various ways we can lose our sense of mattering is when change occurs. My sense of mattering typically falters during school breaks. Since I’m in college, both winter and summer breaks are quite long. For me personally, my sense of mattering is at its highest when I’m on campus. It’s an environment where I’m nourished with relationships and routine. There, I can be my true and full self. People come to me with their problems—making me feel needed. People frequently say “hi” and ask me how I’m doing—making me feel seen and supported. I have classes and meetings I have to attend, giving me responsibility, which in turn creates a sense of purpose.
During a break or when the academic year ends, though, I no longer have these things. As a result, I lose my sense of mattering. It becomes difficult to wake up. It becomes increasingly harder to trudge through day-to-day activities. This is something we will all experience at some point in life. Feeling fulfilled and like you matter is not a state you can simply reach; it’s going to come and go. You’re going to feel as if you matter more on some days and less on others. But this is especially amplified when we go through life changes. For me, it’s college breaks. For you, it might be graduation, moving to a new city, changing careers, etc.
When we change our routines and environments, we lose a part of our identity. This loss of identity typically causes us to feel lonely, sad, and maybe even spiral. That raises the question: what the heck do we do about it?
When I came home for winter breaks, I had tons of free time. While my parents still had work, I sat alone in my house. Considering my school days are typically long and filled with plenty of mental stimulation, going from 100 to zero is quite jarring. When I’m home—at least for winter break—there’s not a whole lot to do. Thus, bedsores became a real thing. I don’t know about you, but lying in bed for extended periods of time exacerbates feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
In her book Mattering (which I’m currently reading), Jennifer Breheny Wallace explains how to combat these feelings. She says you must first identify what you are missing in your new environment. Perhaps you just moved, and you don’t have many friends. Maybe you’re starting a new career and feeling lost and disconnected. In these cases, one should seek out relationships or offer help to others in need (I’ll explain this more later). For me—because I didn’t have any classes or meetings to attend—there was no routine. Routine is something I rely heavily on. When it’s disrupted, I know I have to take some sort of action.
So, instead of doomscrolling for hours on end, I made sure to start helping more with chores around the house. Before my mother arrived home from work, I made sure to have the dishes done. Not only did this provide me with some routine, but I was helping someone in the process, too. This is also what I was missing—being needed.
At college, I’m a writing tutor, and I’m also just the person people come to with questions in general. This, in particular, gives me an immense feeling of purpose and impact—and like I mentioned previously, being needed. When I’m at home, I don’t have that, so that’s why I started doing the dishes, taking the trash out, and making sure the house was somewhat clean.
This became my routine. And the more I did it, the more my mother noticed. Soon enough, she started relying on me to have these things done. Wallace also mentions this in her book. Having responsibilities gives us purpose. Despite common belief, obligations and responsibilities are key contributors to our happiness. If we do not have some version of this, we cannot live a fulfilled life.
Obligations, I believe, are one of the best things you can create when you’re in a slump. Don’t have anywhere to be? Make a commitment to someone. Can't find the energy to work out? Join a class where people will notice if you're not there. Struggling to finish projects? Tell someone your deadline and ask them to check in. Feel like your days are meaningless? Find something—anything—that needs you to show up consistently. Responsibility and obligation breed meaning and purpose.
Furthermore, when those responsibilities help others (like doing the dishes), it makes us feel better about ourselves.
So here's what I’d like you to do. The next time you feel like you don't matter, ask yourself what's missing. Is it routine? Create one. Is it connection? Reach out to someone. Is it purpose? Find a way to help.
Please start small. You don't need to overhaul your entire life. Just pick one thing—one commitment, one obligation, one place where someone needs you to show up. Remember that mattering is a process. It’s not something that the world will just hand you. It's something you build, one small responsibility at a time.
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PS - Is this a new method?
Until next week,
—Wyatt
